Life in the Depths of a Shadow
by OtEpShAmAyA
Summary: Seto slammed the leather bound diary shut and tucked it under his pillow. He growled in frustration, tears stinging his deep blue eyes.   "What's wrong with me...?" he whispered, covering his face with his hands as he began to cry...
1. Chapter 1

_So... Not sure how well this story will do. It's a diary sort of thing. It will start to get better as it goes along. _

_I've had this irritating writer's block forever it seems, so this may not be my best but I hope you all like it anywayz._

_**Life in the depths of a shadow**_

_**a Yu-Gi-Oh fic by Vanilla**_

Chapter One:

(Saturday, October 9)

Dear diary,

Writing in a diary is a girl thing, right?

So why am I doing it?

Oh, yeah...

Because Dr. J told me it would be good for me...

Well, let's see...

I'm in about the same mood as I am every day.

Dark.

Depressed.

The usual.

Another black and white day.

I can't seem to feel anything anymore.

I've lost myself, it seems.

If that's even possible...

I can't remember the last time I smiled.

Not since I lost everything I held dear to me.

The company fell out...

My brother and I have been living on what's left of our fortune.

Which, don't get me wrong, is plenty to last us for a good while.

Things have changed between me and Mokuba.

He's hardly ever home anymore, and when he is we rarely speak.

I've tried to get to the bottom of this sudden change, but he's shut me out.

It hurts me to know we've drifted apart.

I just wonder if it's me or if he's going through some unknown trials in his life as well.

Hell, not like I've told him much either.

Like how losing the company has me so down.

Or why I even have to go to therapy...

Honestly, I was on the brink of killing myself.

I still want to at times...

Everything is so jumbled up in my head and I don't know what to do.

I couldn't stand to leave Mokuba behind though.

It's even scary to think about leaving behind people like Joey and Yugi, even though I don't particularly care for them...

Well...

I care for Joey a little more than I'd like to admit...

But I don't much feel like getting into that matter today.

Or should I write it anyway, since I'll eventually have to write it in this diary so Dr.J can read about it?

Alright.

This is hard for me to admit to myself, let alone to write it down...

But I might as well get it off my chest before it takes me even further down.

I'm...

Why is this so hard to write?

...

I'm in love with Joey...

There...

...

My heart beats for a straight guy.

Well, I thought I was straight, too...

This confusing matter gets to me so much...

I don't know who in the hell I am...

I can't write anymore.

This is it for now...

(Seto Kaiba)

Seto slammed the leather bound diary shut and tucked it under his pillow. He growled in frustration, tears stinging his deep blue eyes.

"What's wrong with me...?" he whispered, covering his face with his hands as he began to cry, his strong facade crumbling down in the privacy of his bedroom. "What's wrong with me...?" he repeated.

'I'm so sick of feeling this way…'

(Sunday, October 10)

….

I almost lost it last night…

Everything was racing through my head so fast I couldn't concentrate on a damn thing…

Why?

Why does everything have to be this way?

Why?

Why?

Why…..?

Mokuba saw me crying last night…

He came into my room without even knocking…. And saw…

And I felt so ashamed, so stupid.

So low…

He disassembled his walls, if only for that moment, and sat by me, telling me everything was going to be okay and things would work out…

"I'm sorry…" I said, mostly out of habit.

He shook his head.

"It's not your fault Kaiba Corp. didn't work out. You did all you could."

"I know… But still…"

He never asked if anything else burdened my mind, but something deep down told me he understood in some sense.

We sat in silence for the longest time, until I calmed down.

And I'm really happy that he came along then, because I honestly didn't know how well that episode would have ended if I had been alone.

Alone…

This word seems to define me…

I'm always alone.

And I fucking hate it!

I only have Mokuba, and even now I only have remnants of Mokuba.

Today I'm feeling a little better.

Not much, and I know it will fade.

I never feel good for too long…

I've thought a lot about Joey today…

It's a little easier to write now…

I guess the first time is always the hardest…

I always push my puppy away…

He's tried to be a friend to me, but for some reason whenever he's around my first impulse is to push him away.

I don't know why I say such mean things to him.

I don't know why I bully him and put him down.

Maybe I'm just jealous…

Joey is everything I want to be…

He's always smiling.

He has so many friends.

He knows what's important and what's worth standing for…

It's as if he has no worries…

I wonder if he harbors any dark secrets.

Sometimes I wish I could just walk up to him and hold him close to me.

But I could never do that.

He would never see me any differently than the image I've presented him with.

It's my fault he hates me, I suppose.

At least…

I would assume, after all I've done to him, he hates me…

And I really wish I could get this matter off my mind.

It's going to be the death of me.

(Seto Kaiba)

I hope the first part was decent lol thank you all for reading.

:D


	2. Chapter 2

_Here comes the second chapter! Yay! Lol._

_I really like the way this diary story is going._

_I love it. _

_It's really fun to write :D_

_Thank you anyone who has read!_

_

* * *

_

(Monday, October 11)

Mokuba and I got into a huge argument today...

...

He told me he hated me...

I can't even begin to describe how badly that hurt.

I tried to ask him what was wrong, and he got so defensive.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" he'd screamed, "I hate you!"

Then he walked out the front door, slamming it behind him.

That was just the cherry on top of my fucking day...

Joey hadn't been at school.

I heard Yugi and that Tae girl talking about how he had been involved in a wreck this morning.

I've been worried ever since...

I don't know how severe the wreck was or if he was even okay.

I wanted to burst out and ask Yugi so badly, but...

My pride wouldn't let me.

What the fuck is my problem?

...

I would kill to be a different person.

Yeah, not many people would expect that statement from Seto Kaiba, right?

Well, it's true...

I'm so tired of being by myself...

Now I'm totally by myself.

Mokuba hates me...

(Seto Kaiba)

Seto was sitting on the couch in the darkened living room when Mokuba got home. The younger Kaiba acted as if he weren't there and simply shuffled past his brother on his way upstairs.

Seto hung his head in hopelessness.

Was there really even anything to live for?

Would Mokuba even give two shits if he found his lifeless brother?

Seto took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself, his attempt seemingly futile.

He was slipping into the darkness...

And the darkness was stronger this time; an irresistable urge.

The brunette got to his feet and slowly made his way upstairs, looking around, taking in every detail of his house. It was truly a beautiful place... He'd even found himself noticing things he hadn't before, like how the roof over the staircase had that funny little arch in it...

Why was it that only a man on his way to meet the Reaper noticed such things and took them in with such remorse, knowing that in his lifetime he hadn't enjoyed everything he'd had...

Seto began to cry as he entered his bedroom.

It was time to die...

A nice release...

He flipped the lightswitch on in his spacious bathroom, taking in his pale reflection in the looking glass, a sickening feeling bubbling up in the pit of his stomache.

This was it...

He reached into the medicine cabinet and extracted the full bottle of Xanex that he was supposed to be taking, yet refused to.

This oughta do it...

He dumped the pills in the palm of his hand and stared down at them, letting the now empty bottle fall to the floor.

"Goodbye." he whispered.

* * *

_Sorry this chapter was so short._

_And no, this is not the end of the story!_

_I'll update soon._

_I hope you all liked it! :D_

_Review if you wish and tell me whatcha think. :)_

_I tried to make his "final moment" (not final moment) all dark and what not. Lol._

_Til next time. :) _

_(PS in case anyone was wondering about the first chapter, my nickname is Vanilla lol that's why it said by Vanilla)_


	3. Chapter 3

Hey! Sorry for the delay in updating. Been super distracted lately.

Anyway, I hope you all like it!

* * *

Chapter Three:

Seto slowly opened his eyes, everything slowly coming into focus. He tried to recall everything that had happened...

He remembered taking the pills... Then blacking out shortly after...

Obviously his little suicide attempt had failed...

The brunette sat up and looked around the room. He was definitely in a hospital. He glanced over to see Mokuba asleep in the chair beside the hospital bed, his messy locks even more disheveled than ever.

Seto studied the boy's face, his foolish decision weighing heavily in his heart.

Had Mokuba been the one to find him? His dying brother...?

Seto couldn't stop the tears from coming. He hung his head and began to weep into his hands.

By the time a doctor had found his patient awake, the older Kaiba had regained his composure, or at least whatever little bit of his composure he could save.

"Mr. Kaiba! You're awake!" the doctor said with a smile, "You've been out for a while, nearly a day since you were brought in. How are you feeling?"

"Fine." Seto simply replied.

"We had to pump all those pills out of your system. You were lucky someone found you when they did or you wouldn't have made it."

"Who found me?"

The doctor shrugged.

"I'm sorry, but I don't know."

The former CEO averted his eyes, praying that it had been one of the maid's who found him in such a state and not his little brother.

"Your therapist was contacted earlier this morning. She's very worried about you."

Seto said nothing, just simply nodded.

"Speaking of which, your brother was worried, too. He's been by your side ever since you got here. Hasn't slept a bit, but I see that's finally caught up with him."

"Yeah..."

"How old is he?"

"Thirteen..."

"I'm glad to see your memory wasn't affected by the overdose." the doctor continued, "Sometimes we have patients who haven't been found in time and they lose some of their memory... Or in worse cases, they're never really themselves ever again..."

Seto looked somewhat mortified by what the doctor had just informed him of. He wasn't sure why his words bothered him so much... He had been more than willing to lose every memory earlier.

"I know this is personal, but I have to ask... What prompted you to try to... well, you know?"

"I don't know." the brunette replied coldly.

It was silent for a moment.

The doctor got to his feet and scribbled a few things on his notepad, checking the boy's stats and apparently making note of how they were looking also.

"Do you need anything, Mr. Kaiba?" he politely asked.

"Just... rest..."

"Very well then. I'll leave you alone for now. The nurses will have to come in later on, though, but for now I'll let you have some time to yourself."

Once Seto was alone, he laid back on the bed and sighed. He felt like such a fool... He rolled over onto his side and studied his little brother's face.

"Mokuba..." he whispered.

Suddenly, something in Mokuba's hands caught his eye.

His journal?

Seto reached over and lightly pulled the book out of the sleeping boy's hands. Had he read it?

He opened the book and flipped through it, reading a bit of each page as he went. These words seemed so unlike him.

'I have to write something...' he thought, looking around for a pen or pencil. Nothing. Damn it all... He sighed and flipped to a new page anyway. What was this?

* * *

_Seto,_

_I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but to read this journal after what you did._

_I know it's a total invasion of your privacy, but..._

_I had to know what made you want to do this._

_Seto, I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. I didn't know it was hurting you so much..._

_I've just been dealing with a lot lately..._

_Just like you have._

_Why didn't you tell me any of this, though?_

_Why couldn't you have told me you were thinking about killing yourself?_

_I couldn't go on without you. You're all I have._

_I've always looked up to you._

_I don't know what I would have done if I had really lost you._

_I was so relieved when they told me you would be okay._

_You just don't know how scared I was when I found you like that._

_

* * *

_

So Mokuba had been the one to find him... A few tears trailed down Seto's pale cheeks, but he continued to read on...

* * *

_You were barely breathing... You looked so fragile... So broken..._

_I called for help and one of the maids came in._

_She ran to make the phone call for an ambulance._

_I couldn't leave your side..._

_Seto, I love you. You're my brother. You've always been there for me, no matter what._

_And from now on, I'll always be here for you, no matter what kind of a day I've had._

_I want to help you get better._

_I found out a lot about you from what I read._

_I know it was hard for you to admit to being in love with Joey..._

_I'm sorry for bringing it up, but I just want you to know that I don't think you're weird or anything for liking another guy._

_Maybe you should tell him?..._

_

* * *

_

Joey... Seto slightly smiled at the mention of the blonde's name. It lifted his spirits to know that Mokuba was accepting of it, even though he hadn't found out in the way Seto hoped. That is, if Seto had ever decided to tell him...

* * *

_And Kaiba Corp's downfall was not your fault._

_You did everything you could to keep the company standing._

_We'll be ok. :)_

_I promise._

_We need to talk about everything whenever you're better, but for now I hope this note will do._

_Love, Mokie_

Seto felt happier than he had in a while, despite all the shit that had gone down.

Everything would get better...

That's when it hit him.

Joey had been in a wreck! What had happened to him?

His moment of bliss had turned into a moment of fear.

He had to find out!

* * *

I'm sorry about the short chapter. I really need to work on this...

I hoped you all liked it anyway!

THank you so much to my reviewers! It means a lot. *sniffles*


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Wow! It has been FOREVER since I've updated anything! D: I am so sorry about that. Been busy and have only been able to get on here with my phone. Until now! :D *throws confetti up in air* Anywho, I know this chapter isn't all that long, but it's storming and I wanted to at least submit something before I risk the power going out on me. Hope ya enjoy! And reviews are always nice...

Chapter 4:

Seto slowly sat up, his every muscle aching as if he had run a marathon the day before. He let out a heavy breath and reached for his i.v., aiming to yank it out when a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

He looked over to see his younger sibling staring at him with those wide grey eyes he knew so well.

"Seto..." he said quietly.

Seto turned his head away, unable to bare the shame and guilt weighing upon his conscience. To think he had almost left Mokuba behing forever... Mokuba sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling his brother into an awkward hug.

"I'm so glad you're okay...You don't know how happy I am to see that you're awake..."

"Mokie..."

"I wish I had known everything, Seto. I would have never abandoned you-"

"I know that, Mokuba." I pulled away just enough to look at him for a moment. "I'm so sorry I put you through that. I wish I could take it all back. You know I never wanted to leave you behind."

"I know, big brother...but you almost did."

Seto threw a hand over his face so the other wouldn't see the pained expression plastered across his face.

"I...wasn't myself."

"Of course you weren't. The Seto I know would have never even considered suicide as an option." Mokuba began, "I understand, though. You were going through more stuff than you could handle...And, no thanks to me, you didn't have anyone to go to with your problems besides your therapist."

"It wasn't your fault-!"

"Please, Seto, let me finish."

Seto bit his bottom lip as he waited for his brother to continue speaking.

"I promise you, from this moment on, I'll always be there for you. I admit, I was being a little too self centered. And I should have known it was affecting you negatively...And please don't think I blame this all on myself. I know there were other things. Especially losing the company. That affected me, affected all of us- everyone who had been involved in the company. But nobody blames you. You were fighting all alone to keep the company standing. Sometimes things just happen, ya know? And it's nobody's fault, really..."

Seto slightly smiled. Who knew a thirteen year old kid knew so much about life. Mokuba's words were lifting his spirit.

"As for Joey..."

"...What about Joey?"

"I think you should confess to him how you feel."

"I...want to. I really do. But Joey-"

"Got into that accident?"

Seto nodded.

"I heard about that." Mokuba said, "Is that why you were in such a rush to try and get to your feet?"

"...Yes..."

"Well, you see...I contacted Yugi earlier, because, well...I needed someone to talk to...And Joey is okay. He actually showed up at Yugi's house right before I called-"

"What happened to him?" Seto blurted out.

"Another car hit his head on. He spent most of that morning in the hospital so they could make sure he was alright. He broke his left hand and had a minor concussion. Other than that, he came out of that wreck rather well considering."

Seto let out a sigh of relief. That took a lot off his mind, just knowing that Joey was still alive.

"He and Yugi are at Yugi's house at the moment." Mokuba added.

Seto was about to say something when a short blonde headed nurse opened the door.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Kaiba?" she asked in a bubbly voice, making the oldest Kaiba wonder how she made it through medical school.

"Fine." he sharply replied.

"Are you hungry? Can I get you anything?" she asked.

"No."

"Alrighty then... Sir, someone from a mental evaluation clinic is coming to see you soon to check over a few things."

Seto blinked. He inwardly slapped himself in the face. Of course this whole thing would bring about the question of whether he was able to properly care for Mokuba or not. But, seeing as how he was over the age of 18 now he wasn't horribly worried over it. Besides, millions of unfit parents were able to keep their kids every year...right? He just needed to prove that he was okay now.

Seto nodded, then looked over at Mokuba.

"Don't stress over it, okay?" Mokuba whispered, "I'll tell them about all your best qualities, okay?"

"Okay..."

The nurse practically danced out of the room, causing Mokuba to burst out laughing.

"Bring home one like that and I'll kill you." Seto joked dryly.

"No worries. I promise!" Mokuba replied playfully, lightening the mood a bit. "Anyway, you need to rest a bit more, okay, big brother? I'm going to step outside right quick and call Yugi to tell him you're awake and completely fine."

"Alright."

"I love you, bro."

"I love you, too, Mokie."

Mokuba pulled his cell phone from his pocket and began dialing before he even made it out of the room. Seto lay back and stared up at the ceiling. Maybe after all of this was over he could get back on his feet and be happy again. Preferably with Joey by his side...

**I'm going to try to update this story again soon. :) Hope you all liked the fluffy brotherly love. I love Seto and Mokuba's relationship. It's adorable! :D**


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